Muthahood

My friend Em has recently started the brilliant GET REAL blog - exploring real experiences of tackling the difficulties of mental health in a positive way and they are currently looking for submissions. They also have a facebook page here. Em told me about Michelle Tea's online MUTHA Magazine which I've just started exploring and it's an amazing resource for feminists punks queeros and weirdos in their words 'exploring real-life motherhood, from every angle, at every stage'. I was lucky enough to have the Sister Spit's stay at my house once years ago during the UK tour that my friend Em was also part of and it was such a positive and exciting experience. Sister Spit is a feminist spoken-word and performance art collective based in San Francisco founded by Michelle - you can find out more about them here.
Michelle Tea also writes this brilliant column 'Getting Pregnant with Michelle Tea' at xojane.com and wrote this amazing intro to the Mutha website that I wanted to share on here; "i’ve been trying to get pregs for about two years now, and along the way I’ve become increasingly obsessed with all things Mom. In pop culture and science. In art and literature and film and television. The ways Moms looked in the 50s and 60s and 70s; the way Moms look now. I’m interested in baby names and maternity clothes and feminist child-rearing and mothering traditions. Punk moms and hippie moms and hip hop moms. Normal moms and weirdo moms, queer moms and straight moms, tiger moms and slacker moms. IVF and IUI and heterosexual fornication and adoption. Ovaries and uteruses and surrogates. Home births and scheduled c-sections. Bad moms, mommy wars, mommy everything. How people stay creative and vital while raising kids. I want a place online to hang out with all of it, without having pink flowers or digital sprinkles of fairy-baby dust assault my aesthetics."

Folklore from the Isle of Man, customs and superstitions connected with Birth

From the birth of a child, till after it was baptised, it was customary to keep in the room where the woman was confined, a deck, or wooden hoop, about three or four inches deep, and about twenty inches in diameter, covered with a sheep's skin, and resembling the head of a drum, which was heaped with oaten cakes and cheese, of which all visitors may freely partake, and small pieces of cheese and bread, called blithe meat, were scattered in and about the house for the Fairies. The woman who carried the infant to church for baptism, was also supplied with bread and cheese, to give to the first person she met on the way, in order to preserve her charge from evil influences. After returning from church, the remaining part of the day, and often a great part of the night, was spent in eating and drinking, to which "the whole country round" was invited, and they, in return, gave presents to the child. If, after child-birth, a woman did not recover her usual strength as soon as expected, she was then declared to be the victim of an "Evil Eye." Some neighbour is soon suspected of having given the envenomed glance; and to counteract its malignancy, a square piece was secretly cut out of some part of her garment, and burnt immediately under the nose of the afflicted woman. This was considered an infallible cure.

HELP I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

I discovered I was pregnant in May, after my Mother guessed I was while we were on holiday in Wales. She likes to think she has this special intuition or something with me, although she's been right every time in her predictions so far so I can't really argue it.  I was terrified of telling my partner Henry as I thought he would think I had tricked him into it. I am incredibly impulsive and don't think things through properly and I had already messed up my pills which is why I'd got pregnant in the first place. It was something we'd talked about doing in the future, it just happened a little sooner than planned, and of course he was nothing but supportive and happy about it (more so than me!)

Obviously it was the worst time I could be pregnant - bang in the middle of studying nursing, but then again, I don't think there would ever be a convenient time for something like this to happen in my life, which has always been turbulent and manic to say the least.
The first thought to run through my head when I found out was how the hell could I look after someone else when I have trouble looking after myself? I had already taken intermittent leave twice from university due to mental health issues.  I guess it didn't matter in the end because I knew it was what I wanted and I felt good about our decision to keep the baby, however scary it was or afraid I was of my problems getting in the way of being able to cope.  The longer the pregnancy has been going on the more confident I've felt about it. I might be a bit crazy sometimes but I know that this is going to be one of the most important things to happen to me and I know I will do anything and everything to provide the best possible life for my child. 

Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD is different for everyone but for most it's the inability to control moods and emotions, experiencing rapid mood swings often on a daily basis - angry/erratic/ impulsive behaviour that can sometimes lead to self harm, putting oneself in dangerous or stupid situations, anxiety, self medication, fear of abandonment and bouts of extreme emptiness and depression.

I've had BPD since I was a teenager and it's something I've continued to struggle with most of what I mentioned above throughout my adult life.  I guess the best way to describe how I live is like I'm on a see-saw, one second I'm up the next I'm down, and it's extremely hard to balance in the middle.   There is so much stigma attached to this mental illness (name doesn't help much either) that I often find myself reluctant to talk about it to people I don't know. People often brand it as a women's illness which is a load of rubbish.

One major point about this disorder is that people often would never guess that you struggle with this stuff - people comment on me being quite outspoken and dramatic and have a tendency to say what I think all the time which on one hand is obviously part of my my personality, but is something that ties in with this also and can sometimes prove to be problematic.  At least I can say I'm not boring I guess! 

Some of these points might sound fairly common/normal to a lot of people, but this is about an extreme level of these feelings/emotions in which the slightest problem or thought can escalate into something quite irrational and become a massive issue.  I have had occasions where I will completely break down and end up hurting myself and unfortunately, my partner/family usually experiences the brunt of these episodes, that can be about something as trivial as an egg being cooked the wrong way.  It's not nice for anyone involved, but with a combination of therapy and medication I have managed to control my emotions to a point where I can live a fairly 'normal' life.

The point of writing this blog is no more than to collate and share my experiences of going through pregnancy and becoming a mother with a mental illness. I am 30 years old and I live in Brighton with my boyfriend Henry and our cats Sissy Spacek and Jeffrey.  I was studying Nursing until I became pregnant, and I work part-time in a pub. I like everything horror related, painting, collecting kitsch junk and making spooky music.  I don't like eels or milk.